So, the goddess has instructed me to stop taking pain medication, and I am down to the bare bones of medication. 

I hurt.

I think it is because it is too easy for me to lose touch with the body, and the body's ability to transmit feelings, and I have lost the ability to communicate with myself.

I am thankful for the opportunity to learn.

I am also in pain.

I also feel.

Shame. Pain. Happiness. Sadness. Fear. Joy. Excitement. Stress.

Once again I am in pain.

Meditation

Today the goddess sat with me in a field.  It was a beautiful day, sunny, windy without being hot or cold.

She was wearing running clothes, and got up to run away from me, calling for me to run with her.  I ran behind her, and then with her, and eventually fell, winded, and exhausted, but not unhappy, not defeated, just challenged to do better the next time.

I noticed that I was running without my crutches, and asked her what that was about.  She said that I was going to need to learn to run.  I said that I couldn't and she dropped a bag on the ground beside me.  It was full of marijuana leaves. 

I looked up at her quizically, blinded from seeing her face by the sun behind her, and she said "the drugs you are on are not working."

So, I have another mandate for my health care, this one quite direct.  I have been hemming and hawing about what to do about pain control because I finally have some, but it is true that it isn't actually fixing anything.  Pain control is about controlling pain.

Perhaps it is time to think about trying to remediate the illness.

As I said in my meditation, thank you Ma'am.

an amber bracelet on a wrist walking beside me
amber and silver beaded brooches
bead necklaces

i am supposed to be making jewellery i think

at least that is what i take out of today's meditation.

today i felt the Goddess in my meditation
hands and arms went numb, vision darkened, breathing quickened
i am still aware of my surroundings, but there is a feeling that i am about to travel to somewhere else.

i almost made it to another place, but i think i am stopping myself.

i think i could cross over.
it feels like seizuring, and i am afraid

the estos are right about there are 3 states where the soul leaves the body, because mine was about to today.

i think i may need someone to watch over me while i do this.

Job advice

The runes have a sense of humour.  I drew one to ask whether I should be asking them advice at all, and got Pertho, the dice cup - as in, well - what do you expect, you're asking a bag of rocks...but also, that the danger lies in not making a choice...

So I am supposed to remain focused on my goal, and stay true to my course.

Today's meditation was job advice. Thank you Goddess. I will try.

Runes are telling me a lot of the same things:
put down the stick - stop fighting
go on a trip
help and be helped - learn reciprocity
things don't always work the way you want them to
and...
the answers are right there in front of you, just follow them

so,
here I am getting on with things.

Thank you to the Goddess for the advice, as ever.

todays meditation started with a feeling of pain so strong it was nauseating.

then i saw stormclouds, thunderclouds seen through a red haze.
They grew eyes, and a mouth, and I was shaking with fear.

the world resolved into a white light, and a wall of flames, and I was aware that I was feeling the birth of the warrior. I felt calm, and strong, and I had strength to match the stormclouds.

I had to ask the warrior to go away so i could feel that again, and it was scary.

they were asking if i was sure, i wasn't but it was good to know they were there.

My mother told a story of dropping me while skiing with me on her back, when I was very young.  I fell down a hill next to a river, coming to rest on the riverbank, and ended up face to face with a muskrat...

I wonder if that was what the memory from yesterday was all about - dreaming of a lake, and then a sudden field of white, a glimpse of a pine forest, and then indistinct snowy fur, water, and then arms and a blurry face.  I don't remember being afraid. 

I wonder what other memories there are. 

I got to visit with Raven this trip, and

Foo

Grounding today was interesting. 
Twice this week by the Kam, once on the mountain, and today at home, where I prayed for the families of Cee, and Kyle, the two elders lost to friends, and my community this week. 
That was painful.
Then, because I have been feeling that the Goddess wants to tell me something I asked her to tell me.

I felt my energy travel down, through the crawlspace, plant tendrils into the earth, draw up, and gather power in my head, stretch to become a column into the atmosphere, and then, after praying and moving some pain around, I became the centre of a ball of fire and the visions came:

I see the shore of a body of water.  To the left is a point, and in front is a sand beach, the trees are bluish in the twilight, it is dawn or dusk, and I can see sunset or sunrise just to the right of me.
The trees are mixed varieties, and outlines against the sky.

Then everything is whited out with a closeup of white, and I see snow on branches, pine branches, and it is snow on a pine forest, but then it resolves into the same curve of shoreline, only in winter, and the water is a shiny, slate grey.  The right half of my vision is obscured with whitish spiky fur/hair which keeps moving in and out of my vision, and blocking part of the view.

It seemed to resolve a bit into hair, but it as blurry, and it seemed to be a person, with their arms on either side of me, but I couldn't see their face.

Right after that, I saw a garbage can clearly, with the garbage can lid open, and the one so kindly referred to as "garbage can eyes" because she's like Oscar, peering from between the can and the lid came out and cuddled with me for a bit.  It was a really strange experience.  She's tiny and scared, and the memory clearly has to do with her.

Then I went to close my shield, from centering, and it had this red gunge on in, so I tried to clear it off, send it out, but instead it wrapped around it, and turned into a black net.  Apparently I need to bring it in, and deal with it, not send it out.  So I regrounded myself, and I get to do it again another day.

fsk.

lessons:
1. if stuff spills out, collect it.
2. don't stress, the images will come

how to tell if the 'foo' is real:
- if it feels close to your heart, and true to reality? I think is what K said?
- if my skin feels tingly, like everything is just a bit electric
-if my joints hurt, especially my hips, and my knees and shoulders
- if everything seems extra clear, and things just fall into place for a conversation, or an idea

I still can't really believe this is happening. The cat sat next to me while I was meditating though, not on me, which was odd. Usually she's under or on me, even when I am trying to do pushups or something.

Estonian Earth-faith "Maa-usk" defines four conditions where the soul would be separate from the body:
1. unconsciousness
2. death
3. seizure
3. coma

I am very far away from everyone I love. I am also very far away from my feelings. It takes a long time to get in touch with them, and the deeper and stronger they are, the harder it is to get in touch with them.

Calling?

Once again I awake to find myself caught in the middle of someone else's dream. 

I must finish what I have started, clearly the path is here, but there is a reason I am here, and I do not know what it is. 

This journey has to have purpose.  I am learning something I will need.  I do not know what it is.  I do not know why I am doing it.

I do not know what it is.

This is my week off.  I am supposed to be writing papers.  Instead I have a burden laid on me to empty the house of everything that I do not need.  I have four bags already for the donation box, a suitcase upstairs that was supposed to go to the plus-size clothing swap, and there will be at least another four bags.  Some of it I know I should try to sell.  I do not know if I have the patience. 

I know I will not need these things anymore. 

I know I sound insane.  Like someone who has gone off their medication, or started to ingest new drugs, but I am saner than I have ever been.

This summer will be when I dedicate my life to the service of the gods.  Which ones, I don't yet know. That is scary, although I am starting to get some ideas. 

I need to do a ceremony to free myself from my final ties to J before that.  That will involve family. 

Then I can prepare.

I really do sound like a mental case. 

I feel good though.

Raven refers to possession as 'horsing' which is as good a term as any.

I've met two of those I'm horsing so far.

I'm sure that's part of why I'm multiple.

Traditionally Estonians believed in more than one soul in a person - and in "fairies", or earth-spirits within and without a person, and manifesting externally as animals, etc.

There is something which wants blood-sacrifices, thankfully I am that kind of player. There is something which wants service.  Thankfully there is someone who wishes to serve faithfully.

I do not think that I get to keep living here past next year. I am going to be called to work somewhere else, and I will not have the luxury of such a home. I had best be ready.

There are skillsets I lack:

fitness with as much health as can be accomplished
weight loss
marksmanship with bow and arrow, and with guns
knifework
distance swimming
walking as much as possible (yes, with crutches)
clothing making
cookery
hunting and dressing a kill
home construction

there is not a lot of time left to learn these things, and I cannot spend it collecting trinkets.

I am scared. I want to hide, do nothing, watch TV and curl into a ball. Not an option.

Runes.

I had a set of runes years ago, and got rid of them because they worked too well, and I was busy being an atheist, and reading runes interfered with that. 

So, now I have been looking at Nordic runes, and trying to pay attention to the things which speak to me.

Yesterday I had to apologize for getting back into the stats course, and ask for time to complete it, and so today I got just enough time to do the things I needed for stats, and not a moment more, before it became necessary to make runes. 

Mine are made from stones I had at home, some bought, some found, some fossils, all chosen carefully to match the meaning of the runes.  I smudged them, then sanded them, and wrote the runes in blood first, before finishing them with black glitter.  (It is me after all)...

But my offerings were accepted, and they work. 

I still don't know who the deity, or deities I am serving are, but there is clearly someone who I am intended to be in service to, and I am being directed to turn my life over. 

More and more things are making sense. 

Today's reading:
The past/problem: Ansuz - The answers to questions are available but not yet recognized. Look for signs and confirmations which are all around. Everything has significance and appreciation of this will lead to understanding. Ensure you don't ignore the message because you don't like the content. All experience is a lesson that teaches by acknowledging the truth knowledge and wisdom will increase.

The Present/influences: Tiwaz - There is a need for courage now, as your victory is already assured if your heart remains true. Make use of all the skill and wisdom you have acquired so far. Protect your faith, as it will be challenged. But truth, honesty and justice will always win through.

Future/Energy flow: Fehu - Fehu is Frey's rune, and he is the god of fertility, itself a form of wealth. It is a rune of unselfish abundance. Let it shine forth to lighten your path and the paths of others. You will never run out of your spiritual richness, but don't waste it on those who will abuse it.

The Challenge:Naudiz - You are getting exactly what you need right now to make the best progress on your spiritual path. It may appear to be the very opposite of what you want, but this state is not permanent, it is merely a series of lessons that must be learnt so that you can make the transition from negative to positive

The power to call upon: Berkanan - An exciting time for new beginnings, fresh adventures. Activity and energy. Sow seeds, but the harvest is yet to come so don't expect immediate reward for your effort. Put the past in its place, learn from experience.

I can see that this is going to be a process though.  There is a reason why I am in school for the things I am studying:

I am still having trouble with reconciling things.  People are practicing northern european paganism and shamanism in North America, without talking about the issues relating to colonialism and in discussing things like land stewardship and 'spirits of the land, they are talking about the spirits of the land which speak to them. 

Cultural appropriation continues in the spirit realm I am quite certain, and the spirits of this land are not the same as those of the land(s) of my ancestors.  It does not mean they do not and cannot speak to me, but they do so as a guest, and I must respect that.

I pleased the one I am in service to, today with skiing.  Being better at it would please him more, but doing it pleased him, and being frightened and enjoying the fear pleased him greatly.

Today I served well.

In prayer this morning it came to me that today is transformative. 
It is a day of change.

I am busy and do not have time to reflect, but things feel different.
I needed to reaffirm that decision.
I need to reaffirm it daily.
Life is something chosen.

I hear birds, I hear the tap dripping, I see sunshine, these things combine to create a melody which brings me into harmony with myself.

I wonder sometimes what J would think of me, this radical, angry atheist turned Taíno/Esto Indigenous spirituality seeker?

Last night I put something precious and broken into a box, and gave it back.  I feel free.  It's something to think about.

Spent an hour lucid dreaming last night before going to sleep.

I was trying to relax and see the light so I could drop into sleep, but I kept flashing through commercially produced image after image - all kinds of tv-perfect pictures, and movie-quality clips, and at the edge of it all, there was a wave of darkness, like when a line of storm clouds is coming, and I couldn't fight it off.

I saw I was holding a heart in my hand, made of burlap, and it was in this little black box, and the heart was bleeding, and tied up with rough string, and it was this heart, the core of me, broken, bleeding, and the darkness wanted to take it.

So, I closed the box, and let go, and the dark swirled away, with all of that commercial, corporate ideology, and in it's place came all kinds of creativity.

The most amazing paintings, and art, and there was this eye in half a face watching all of it, and it was me, and it was as if, I had given up the rest of the world, but there was all of this new creativity waiting to happen.

Then I sorted out a bunch of things between different bits of me, that I don't quite remember, and drifted off into the light.

If we, as Indigenous people believe that some of our knowledge comes in dreams, then this is knowledge coming to me.  I am doing what I need to do, even if it doesn't make sense.