I just came from a neurocognitive assesment a few days ago where it was very nearly impossible to explain to the psychologist what gifted means. He kept explaining to me that my scores were "high average to superior" and therefore "fine". the fact is that they should all have been "superior to very superior" and therfore I have some damage from the strokes... so, not fine.
Sometimes, it is hardest to explain myself so someone who is a bit bright, because they "identify" with me and therefore do not understand me at all. I am someone in the range of crazy smart, ok? The kind who got pulled out of school into the special program because we couldn't function in a regular classroom? yeah, the wierd ones.
So, when I try to explain to the doctors what is going on with me, chances are that I am right. Chances are, that I have read the same articles as them, or more likely, more articles than them, because I am at home, sick with Epilepsy and Lupus, and freaking out about being sick. So, listen to me, and put your ego away, and don't get all offended. (Nice theory, huh?)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Meditation?
The first meditational experience I ever had scared me rather a lot, since it seems rather similar to seizure aura (something that I experienced for the first time this year). In fact I was concerned that I was going to have a seizure and decided not to have another meditational experience for a few days because of it.
Second Experience:
I am flying high over a field, in the field are all kinds of cows and other farm animals, and around the field is a ring of trees. In the centre of the field is an aluminum coffin, and it is to this that I am trying to get. I try to get to it, and it takes several attempts, and several different approaches, until finally I am able to land next to it. When I finally land next to it, I am able to open it, and it is full of straw. As I start to unpack it, there is a collection of crèche figures, and paper-mache fruit, and then underneath it all a saxaphone. When I have finished unpacking it, I am at peace, and I drift off for a while following a piece of fluttering paper in the sky.
Third Experience:
I am in a forest, looking at something between the trees, it is unclear what it is, and it is hard to see, gradually it becomes clear that it is Spouse One's parent's lying on the ground. I try to approach, but it takes a great deal of effort, and I cannot. Finally I am able to, and as I get closer I notice with terror that they are growing larger and larger and so I flee into a nearby field with multicoloured crayon strokes as blades of grass. After a few moments the blades of grass resolve themselves into words and phrases: "Leave me alone" and similar things. After a few moments of this "bolstering" from the grass I am able to return to the forest clearing where I undertake the burial of Spouse One's parents.
Fourth Experience:
I am watching a girl sitting against a lamppost against a city backgound. Initially it is one of those fast-moving city montages that is in constant motion while the character in the foreground remains perfectly still. After a while, the scene changes to a regular city street, with a small part opposite, and the girl is sitting on a bench, swathed in layers of winter clothing, and clutching a bag on her lap. Her face is obscured by the hood of her coat, and she is absolutely still. The life of the city continues on around her, and nearby a small child stands and watches her. As time progresses she begins to remove layers, and I begin to have an inkling that this girl is me, but it seems to take forever for her to remove her layers upon layers of coats, and she keeps her face hidden until the very end. She is reasonably thin and tanned, and she leaves the bag behind when she gets up and starts to walk, quite fast, although for some of the walk she does have a dog with her. She starts to walk through the city, and the child follows her, and as the walk progresses she grows up from about 8 to maybe 12 or 13. She also starts to walk faster, and she walks for a very long time in the sun, and her skin gets redder and redder as time goes on. As time goes on there is a fence behind her, and the space behind the fence if packed with people. Finally, she stops, finds a hole in the fence, slips through, and then, as she slips back out, she is followed by the rest of the people who were on the other side of the fence.
Second Experience:
I am flying high over a field, in the field are all kinds of cows and other farm animals, and around the field is a ring of trees. In the centre of the field is an aluminum coffin, and it is to this that I am trying to get. I try to get to it, and it takes several attempts, and several different approaches, until finally I am able to land next to it. When I finally land next to it, I am able to open it, and it is full of straw. As I start to unpack it, there is a collection of crèche figures, and paper-mache fruit, and then underneath it all a saxaphone. When I have finished unpacking it, I am at peace, and I drift off for a while following a piece of fluttering paper in the sky.
Third Experience:
I am in a forest, looking at something between the trees, it is unclear what it is, and it is hard to see, gradually it becomes clear that it is Spouse One's parent's lying on the ground. I try to approach, but it takes a great deal of effort, and I cannot. Finally I am able to, and as I get closer I notice with terror that they are growing larger and larger and so I flee into a nearby field with multicoloured crayon strokes as blades of grass. After a few moments the blades of grass resolve themselves into words and phrases: "Leave me alone" and similar things. After a few moments of this "bolstering" from the grass I am able to return to the forest clearing where I undertake the burial of Spouse One's parents.
Fourth Experience:
I am watching a girl sitting against a lamppost against a city backgound. Initially it is one of those fast-moving city montages that is in constant motion while the character in the foreground remains perfectly still. After a while, the scene changes to a regular city street, with a small part opposite, and the girl is sitting on a bench, swathed in layers of winter clothing, and clutching a bag on her lap. Her face is obscured by the hood of her coat, and she is absolutely still. The life of the city continues on around her, and nearby a small child stands and watches her. As time progresses she begins to remove layers, and I begin to have an inkling that this girl is me, but it seems to take forever for her to remove her layers upon layers of coats, and she keeps her face hidden until the very end. She is reasonably thin and tanned, and she leaves the bag behind when she gets up and starts to walk, quite fast, although for some of the walk she does have a dog with her. She starts to walk through the city, and the child follows her, and as the walk progresses she grows up from about 8 to maybe 12 or 13. She also starts to walk faster, and she walks for a very long time in the sun, and her skin gets redder and redder as time goes on. As time goes on there is a fence behind her, and the space behind the fence if packed with people. Finally, she stops, finds a hole in the fence, slips through, and then, as she slips back out, she is followed by the rest of the people who were on the other side of the fence.
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