Calling?

Once again I awake to find myself caught in the middle of someone else's dream. 

I must finish what I have started, clearly the path is here, but there is a reason I am here, and I do not know what it is. 

This journey has to have purpose.  I am learning something I will need.  I do not know what it is.  I do not know why I am doing it.

I do not know what it is.

This is my week off.  I am supposed to be writing papers.  Instead I have a burden laid on me to empty the house of everything that I do not need.  I have four bags already for the donation box, a suitcase upstairs that was supposed to go to the plus-size clothing swap, and there will be at least another four bags.  Some of it I know I should try to sell.  I do not know if I have the patience. 

I know I will not need these things anymore. 

I know I sound insane.  Like someone who has gone off their medication, or started to ingest new drugs, but I am saner than I have ever been.

This summer will be when I dedicate my life to the service of the gods.  Which ones, I don't yet know. That is scary, although I am starting to get some ideas. 

I need to do a ceremony to free myself from my final ties to J before that.  That will involve family. 

Then I can prepare.

I really do sound like a mental case. 

I feel good though.

Raven refers to possession as 'horsing' which is as good a term as any.

I've met two of those I'm horsing so far.

I'm sure that's part of why I'm multiple.

Traditionally Estonians believed in more than one soul in a person - and in "fairies", or earth-spirits within and without a person, and manifesting externally as animals, etc.

There is something which wants blood-sacrifices, thankfully I am that kind of player. There is something which wants service.  Thankfully there is someone who wishes to serve faithfully.

I do not think that I get to keep living here past next year. I am going to be called to work somewhere else, and I will not have the luxury of such a home. I had best be ready.

There are skillsets I lack:

fitness with as much health as can be accomplished
weight loss
marksmanship with bow and arrow, and with guns
knifework
distance swimming
walking as much as possible (yes, with crutches)
clothing making
cookery
hunting and dressing a kill
home construction

there is not a lot of time left to learn these things, and I cannot spend it collecting trinkets.

I am scared. I want to hide, do nothing, watch TV and curl into a ball. Not an option.

Runes.

I had a set of runes years ago, and got rid of them because they worked too well, and I was busy being an atheist, and reading runes interfered with that. 

So, now I have been looking at Nordic runes, and trying to pay attention to the things which speak to me.

Yesterday I had to apologize for getting back into the stats course, and ask for time to complete it, and so today I got just enough time to do the things I needed for stats, and not a moment more, before it became necessary to make runes. 

Mine are made from stones I had at home, some bought, some found, some fossils, all chosen carefully to match the meaning of the runes.  I smudged them, then sanded them, and wrote the runes in blood first, before finishing them with black glitter.  (It is me after all)...

But my offerings were accepted, and they work. 

I still don't know who the deity, or deities I am serving are, but there is clearly someone who I am intended to be in service to, and I am being directed to turn my life over. 

More and more things are making sense. 

Today's reading:
The past/problem: Ansuz - The answers to questions are available but not yet recognized. Look for signs and confirmations which are all around. Everything has significance and appreciation of this will lead to understanding. Ensure you don't ignore the message because you don't like the content. All experience is a lesson that teaches by acknowledging the truth knowledge and wisdom will increase.

The Present/influences: Tiwaz - There is a need for courage now, as your victory is already assured if your heart remains true. Make use of all the skill and wisdom you have acquired so far. Protect your faith, as it will be challenged. But truth, honesty and justice will always win through.

Future/Energy flow: Fehu - Fehu is Frey's rune, and he is the god of fertility, itself a form of wealth. It is a rune of unselfish abundance. Let it shine forth to lighten your path and the paths of others. You will never run out of your spiritual richness, but don't waste it on those who will abuse it.

The Challenge:Naudiz - You are getting exactly what you need right now to make the best progress on your spiritual path. It may appear to be the very opposite of what you want, but this state is not permanent, it is merely a series of lessons that must be learnt so that you can make the transition from negative to positive

The power to call upon: Berkanan - An exciting time for new beginnings, fresh adventures. Activity and energy. Sow seeds, but the harvest is yet to come so don't expect immediate reward for your effort. Put the past in its place, learn from experience.

I can see that this is going to be a process though.  There is a reason why I am in school for the things I am studying:

I am still having trouble with reconciling things.  People are practicing northern european paganism and shamanism in North America, without talking about the issues relating to colonialism and in discussing things like land stewardship and 'spirits of the land, they are talking about the spirits of the land which speak to them. 

Cultural appropriation continues in the spirit realm I am quite certain, and the spirits of this land are not the same as those of the land(s) of my ancestors.  It does not mean they do not and cannot speak to me, but they do so as a guest, and I must respect that.

I pleased the one I am in service to, today with skiing.  Being better at it would please him more, but doing it pleased him, and being frightened and enjoying the fear pleased him greatly.

Today I served well.