I was given a Goddess Tarot by a member of my Leather family

The deck is perfect, as I am supposed to be in service to a Goddess, although I do not yet know who she is.

I am the Prince of Cups


Men represented by this card are complex and powerful beings. They are self-contained - even secretive - giving an impression of calmness and serenity. However under that veneer they can often be intense and volatile. They tend to hide their deepest passions, and to protect them fiercely.
They are often creative - artistically or musically inclined, and have deep involvement in these areas. Many of the more successful artists and musicians in our lives would come up as a Prince of Cups.
Emotionally they can sometimes be turbulent and moody, but can also often hide their emotions and refuse to share them with others. However, having a highly developed sensitivity to emotional ups and downs, they will identify yours even before you have. Talking to somebody like this about emotional matters is usually a rewarding experience, because they are highly perceptive and use their intuition readily.

The Prince of Cups rules form the 20th degree of Libra until the 20th Degree of Scorpio. He is the Air of Water. He is the stormy sea that can destroy material objects. He rides upon the waves on a Chariot of water which is pulled forth by a black swan. In his right hand is an upside down lotus flower which has a stormy sea of its own in itself, and in his left hand he holds a cup from which a serpent springs up. The Prince is gazing at the serpent in this cup to try understand what is inside of him.

Persons characterized by this card are extremely individualistic and secretive. They are only concerned with their own reality and almost completely turned inward, to investigate the serpent in themselves. They want to understand the creative or destructive energies in themselves and don’t want anyone to interfere with this process. They seem calm and serious on the surface but beneath their surface hides a great violence. When one truly corners or opposes them this violence usually will surface. They have intense passions under their surface which they want to, no, which they must follow in order not to become ill.

They are very artistic, even if they do not choose any artistic skill to express themselves. The formula of Scorpion is very secretive, which is why that totem is not shown in the card itself. This character has no conscience in the ordinary sense of the word, and is therefore usually distrusted by his neighbours. They feel they do not, and can never, understand him. Thus he inspires unreasonable fear. He is in fact perfectly ruthless. He cares intensely for power, wisdom, and his own aims.
He feels no responsibility to others, and although his abilities are so immense, he cannot be relied upon to work in harness. This is because he doesn’t care about any rules imposed on him and he will never really be faithful to any scheme but his own.

So, the goddess has instructed me to stop taking pain medication, and I am down to the bare bones of medication. 

I hurt.

I think it is because it is too easy for me to lose touch with the body, and the body's ability to transmit feelings, and I have lost the ability to communicate with myself.

I am thankful for the opportunity to learn.

I am also in pain.

I also feel.

Shame. Pain. Happiness. Sadness. Fear. Joy. Excitement. Stress.

Once again I am in pain.

Meditation

Today the goddess sat with me in a field.  It was a beautiful day, sunny, windy without being hot or cold.

She was wearing running clothes, and got up to run away from me, calling for me to run with her.  I ran behind her, and then with her, and eventually fell, winded, and exhausted, but not unhappy, not defeated, just challenged to do better the next time.

I noticed that I was running without my crutches, and asked her what that was about.  She said that I was going to need to learn to run.  I said that I couldn't and she dropped a bag on the ground beside me.  It was full of marijuana leaves. 

I looked up at her quizically, blinded from seeing her face by the sun behind her, and she said "the drugs you are on are not working."

So, I have another mandate for my health care, this one quite direct.  I have been hemming and hawing about what to do about pain control because I finally have some, but it is true that it isn't actually fixing anything.  Pain control is about controlling pain.

Perhaps it is time to think about trying to remediate the illness.

As I said in my meditation, thank you Ma'am.

an amber bracelet on a wrist walking beside me
amber and silver beaded brooches
bead necklaces

i am supposed to be making jewellery i think

at least that is what i take out of today's meditation.

today i felt the Goddess in my meditation
hands and arms went numb, vision darkened, breathing quickened
i am still aware of my surroundings, but there is a feeling that i am about to travel to somewhere else.

i almost made it to another place, but i think i am stopping myself.

i think i could cross over.
it feels like seizuring, and i am afraid

the estos are right about there are 3 states where the soul leaves the body, because mine was about to today.

i think i may need someone to watch over me while i do this.

Job advice

The runes have a sense of humour.  I drew one to ask whether I should be asking them advice at all, and got Pertho, the dice cup - as in, well - what do you expect, you're asking a bag of rocks...but also, that the danger lies in not making a choice...

So I am supposed to remain focused on my goal, and stay true to my course.

Today's meditation was job advice. Thank you Goddess. I will try.

Runes are telling me a lot of the same things:
put down the stick - stop fighting
go on a trip
help and be helped - learn reciprocity
things don't always work the way you want them to
and...
the answers are right there in front of you, just follow them

so,
here I am getting on with things.

Thank you to the Goddess for the advice, as ever.